Apparently, the Kellogg's Special K diet doesn't work when you only eat the little bits of chocolate out of the box of Chocolately Delight cereal. And Slim Fast shakes are not supposed to be consumed as a side dish to your daughter's leftover french fries either - no matter how delicious they might taste together.
These are the lessons I've learned in the past six weeks as I've slowly struggled to shed the lingering 25 pounds that are plaguing my plans to fit into dresses for various weddings, engagement parties and christenings that currently decorate my calendar. Seriously, why does everyone in the family and firehouse have to celebrate such big affairs when I look my absolute worst? The nerve.
You know those ridiculously thin moms who smile and say they just simply can't find the time to eat? Those skinny-minis who claim running after the baby keeps them so active they don't even need to work out? Well, I hate those mothers.
I love food. I always have. And no matter how many tasks I have to squeeze into any given marathon day, I always find time for lunch. And a snack.
My friends and family say I look good, but what else do you say to a new mother?
"Wow, you really packed on the pounds there. Do you plan on taking that off or do you like all of the extra insulation?"
And any shades of slenderness on my part is all smoke and mirrors. It's amazing what you can do with a pair of Spanks.
That's why I started working out again last week.
Mainly because I washed the only pair of jeans that fit me and I couldn't button them. If I don't lose any weight, those jeans will just have to remain dirty until I do lose five pounds. My ego can't take another turn in the dryer. I'm also tired of wearing a girdle with my sweatpants.
So I tried level one of the 30-Day Shred - one of those Biggest Loser DIY workouts I used to zoom through after I had Erin. (Or at least I remember zooming through it.)
Jillian Michaels wasn't so nasty on this DVD before I got pregnant.
Why is she yelling so loud? And why is my heart beating so fast?
I did so many lunges I needed help sitting on the bowl the next day to pee. But I didn't feel svelte and sexy, I was just sore. And I only mourned "ice cream time" even more. (It was every night at nine.)
Time to get serious. Back to kickboxing. Three nights in one week. I must have a death wish. Is it actually possible to break something doing a jumping-jack?
Next up, Weight Watchers. Points. Yes, I can do this.
Off to Pathmark to buy a week's worth of healthy foods.
Wheeling through the produce section I'm confident. Bell Peppers for my salad. Bags of fresh baby spinach and bushels of vine ripe tomatoes - uncooked, they're 0 points!Told you I could romanticize food.
Meats are next. Boneless breasts of chicken - I'll marinate and grill. This actually sounds appealing.
Entenmann's full line sale. Ooh. Louisiana Crunch Cake. Chocolate Donut Sampler Pack. Abort. Abort. Time to focus, Jess. Think bathing suits, halter tops. Turn away and look at the soap, the mops. Anything to divert attention.
Somehow I survived. And I've made it to day three of this diet. No big weight loss yet, but at least there's no gain. And I've actually found a few tips, tricks and delicious diet foods along the way.
If I could only figure out how to make my thighs stop throbbing, I'd be set.